wings4youcoaching

Interview with the Shadow

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me, And what can be the use of him is more than I can see. - Robert Louis Stevenson

Facing your Shadows

In a recent SoulCollage® workshop, one of the participants asked whether she should make cards that expressed the aspects of herself she didn't especially like.  She was concerned that by creating a card that acknowledged the darker parts of her personality, she would in some way be giving them more power. Yet in order to grow beyond our weaknesses, we must first be able to see them clearly. By bringing our shadow parts  out into the light, they not only lose much of their power; they also offer us necessary guidance to become better individuals.

According to psychologist Carl Jung, " there can be no doubt that man is, on the whole, less good than he imagines himself or wants to be. Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual's conscious life, the blacker and denser it is." Repressing those shadow parts of ourselves causes them to emerge in others ways, but  "if [a shadow] is conscious, one always has a chance to correct it"  as it is "constantly in contact with other interests, [and] is continually subjected to modifications."  So by acknowledging our darker shadow parts, we give ourselves the opportunity to confront them and grow beyond them.

Shedding Light on your Shadows

Whether you are a SoulCollager or you are exploring yourself in other ways, you can learn from your Shadows by interviewing them using the "I-Am-the-One-Who" method (see the example that follows) to speak through your cards (or shadow presences), and asking the following questions:  

• Who are you?
• What do you have to give me?
• What do you want or need from me?
• Is there anything else you have to tell me?

As an example, I have conducted an "interview" with the above Shadowy SoulCollage® Committee card called "The Gossip." 

Meet "The Gossip"

 

Who are you?

I Am the One Who gets pulled into gossip, listening to and sharing stories about other people when deep inside I really don't want to be doing this.  I get caught up in the moment, influenced by another who wants to talk.  It's an easy trap to fall into.  I Am the One Who, while I am gossiping or listening to gossip, mentally steps back and watches myself doing something I really don't like.

What do you have to give me?

I want you to know that there is no reason to participate in gossip.  You already know that it brings no pleasure and you don't enjoy it; and gossip never makes you a stronger or better person.  You already know this, so rely on what you know is the truth.

What do you want or need from me?

I want you to visualize me whenever you're in a situation where you might be involved with gossip.  It's as simple as deciding to turn off a switch and changing the subject.  You'll be doing the right thing and you'll feel better about yourself.  I want you to remember that "The Gossip" is not who you respect or want to be.

Is there anything else you have to tell me?

It is not your job to correct other people's behavior.  Show by your example and avoid judgment.

Share

Good does not become better by being exaggerated, but worse, and a small evil becomes a big one through being disregarded and repressed. The shadow is very much a part of human nature, and it is only at night that no shadows exist. - Carl Jung

How do you learn from your Shadows?  What are your practices for reflection and growth?  Share your thoughts in whatever form you like...

• SoulCollage®
• Art
• Poetry
• Writing
• Anything that expresses who you are!  

When you're ready to share, post your static link in the comments section so we can visit your blog and see what you've created.

Above the cloud with its shadow is the star with its light. Above all things reverence thyself. - Pythagoras

Have a beautiful and creative day!

Namaste,

  

Your Esteemed Self

Self of Steam

Among the many perks I’ve enjoyed during my teaching career has been the opportunity to learn a variety of creative spellings and versions for all kinds of words and expressions, with my all-time favorite being the use of self-of-steam instead of self- esteem. The first time I encountered this oronym in a paper, it only took me a moment to figure out what the writer had meant to say. Over the years, as I continued to receive many papers with exactly the same oronym, I started thinking about how self-of-steam and self-esteem are related by more than just similar sounds.

Dr. Maslow in the House

Abraham Maslow (1908 - 1970) was an American humanistic psychologist who is most well known for his theory of the hierarchy of human needs. According to Maslow, there are five levels of needs that start with the most basic physical and safety needs that must be met before striving to meet the higher-level needs of belongingness, esteem, and self-actualization.

Esteem can be derived from others in the form of "respect, fame, glory, recognition, attention, reputation, appreciation, dignity, and even dominance," or from oneself in the form of "self-respect, confidence, competence, achievement, mastery, independence, and freedom" (Boeree).  With this in mind, it's clear that the highest level of esteem comes from within and has a more authentic basis - the individual's acknowledgment of his or her strengths and accomplishments.

Beyond Hot Air

And that brings me to the difference between self-of-steam and self-esteem. If you endlessly crave approval and validation from others, measuring your personal worth through the perception of those around you without balancing their perception against your own, you are building a weak foundation for your esteem. And, interestingly, it seems like the more you get, the more you need! As soon as the validation stops, your esteem plummets. I think of esteem based solely on outside approval as self-of-steam - hot air that quickly dissipates.

This is not to say that the esteem of others is neither important nor necessary, but it should not be your only source of "strokes." In order to derive more valuable validation from others, learn to recognize the difference between a compliment and an acknowledgment. Very often outside validation comes in the form of a compliment - a statement that praises you in some way, but is really more about the giver than the receiver. A compliment is generally about the other person because it is phrased to express how he or she reacts in relation to you - "I enjoyed reading your report" - as opposed to an acknowledgment that focuses on the receiver - "You really know how to write an informative and interesting report." Both compliments and acknowledgments can serve a positive purpose, but an awareness of the difference can help strengthen your feelings of esteem.

The most compelling form of self-esteem occurs when you can honestly recognize and evaluate your own strengths and accomplishments and feel a true sense of self-respect and achievement. Your acknowledgment of your inner character (and who knows that character better than you!) strengthens the foundation of your self-esteem. When this foundation is clear and strong, you become closer to being free of the need for constant outside approval, and at the same time, feel free and comfortable to accept it when it comes your way.

Acknowledgments and Affirmations 

My Weekly Wings challenges provide a series of exercises to help you recognize, acknowledge, and affirm your best qualities and accomplishments. Below are some simple self-esteem exercises you can do either on their own or in addition to the challenges.

• The first step to building your self-esteem is to acknowledge your strengths and accomplishments. Start by simply brainstorming a list of the things you've accomplished, things that have made you proud of yourself.

• The next step is to recognize and list the personal qualities you have that make these accomplishments possible.

• Then, write these qualities as affirmations of who you are right now. Start each affirmation with "I" and write it in the present tense, being as specific as possible. Although affirmations are typically used to program your future success, you can also use them to positively mobilize your inner resources.

• In order to derive more valuable validation from others, learn to recognize the difference between a compliment and an acknowledgment. However, be sure to receive either a compliment or acknowledgment graciously in the same way you would receive a gift. By doing this, you accept the gift as it is given while at the same time giving the gift of your acceptance.

• Finally, share the good vibes with others!  Learn to recognize the accomplishments and positive qualities of those around you, and let them know.  A heartfelt, honest compliment or an astute, direct acknowledgment will strengthen your relationships and boost your own self esteem as you do the same for others!