Self of Steam
Among the many perks I’ve enjoyed during my
teaching career has been the opportunity to learn a variety of creative
spellings and versions for all kinds of words and expressions, with my all-time
favorite being the use of self-of-steam instead of self- esteem. The first time I encountered this oronym in a paper, it only took me a moment to figure out what the writer had meant
to say. Over the years, as I continued to receive many papers with exactly the
same oronym, I started thinking about how self-of-steam and self-esteem
are related by more than just similar sounds.
Dr. Maslow in the House
Abraham Maslow (1908 - 1970) was an American humanistic psychologist who is most well known for his theory of the hierarchy of human needs. According to Maslow, there are five levels of needs that start with the most basic physical and safety needs that must be met before striving to meet the higher-level needs of belongingness, esteem, and self-actualization.
Esteem can be derived from others in the form of "respect, fame, glory, recognition, attention, reputation, appreciation, dignity, and even dominance," or from oneself in the form of "self-respect, confidence, competence, achievement, mastery, independence, and freedom" (Boeree). With this in mind, it's clear that the highest level of esteem comes from within and has a more authentic basis - the individual's acknowledgment of his or her strengths and accomplishments.
Beyond Hot Air
And that brings me to the difference between self-of-steam and self-esteem. If you endlessly crave approval and validation from others, measuring your personal worth through the perception of those around you without balancing their perception against your own, you are building a weak foundation for your esteem. And, interestingly, it seems like the more you get, the more you need! As soon as the validation stops, your esteem plummets. I think of esteem based solely on outside approval as self-of-steam - hot air that quickly dissipates.
This is not to say that the esteem of others is neither important nor necessary, but it should not be your only source of "strokes." In order to derive more valuable validation from others, learn to recognize the difference between a compliment and an acknowledgment. Very often outside validation comes in the form of a compliment - a statement that praises you in some way, but is really more about the giver than the receiver. A compliment is generally about the other person because it is phrased to express how he or she reacts in relation to you - "I enjoyed reading your report" - as opposed to an acknowledgment that focuses on the receiver - "You really know how to write an informative and interesting report." Both compliments and acknowledgments can serve a positive purpose, but an awareness of the difference can help strengthen your feelings of esteem.
The most compelling form of self-esteem occurs when you can honestly recognize and evaluate your own strengths and accomplishments and feel a true sense of self-respect and achievement. Your acknowledgment of your inner character (and who knows that character better than you!) strengthens the foundation of your self-esteem. When this foundation is clear and strong, you become closer to being free of the need for constant outside approval, and at the same time, feel free and comfortable to accept it when it comes your way.
Acknowledgments and Affirmations
My Weekly Wings challenges provide a series of exercises to help you recognize, acknowledge, and affirm your best qualities and accomplishments. Below are some simple self-esteem exercises you can do either on their own or in addition to the challenges.
- The first step to building your self-esteem is to acknowledge your strengths and accomplishments. Start by simply brainstorming a list of the things you've accomplished, things that have made you proud of yourself.
- The next step is to recognize and list the personal qualities you have that make these accomplishments possible.
- Then, write these qualities as affirmations of who you are right now. Start each affirmation with "I" and write it in the present tense, being as specific as possible. Although affirmations are typically used to program your future success, you can also use them to positively mobilize your inner resources.
- In order to derive more valuable validation from others, learn to recognize the difference between a compliment and an acknowledgment. However, be sure to receive either a compliment or acknowledgment graciously in the same way you would receive a gift. By doing this, you accept the gift as it is given while at the same time giving the gift of your acceptance.
- Finally, share the good vibes with others! Learn to recognize the accomplishments and positive qualities of those around you, and let them know. A heartfelt, honest compliment or an astute, direct acknowledgment will strengthen your relationships and boost your own self esteem as you do the same for others!
